When the first ‘stay at home order” was put in place nearly a year ago due to the pandemic, I was paralyzed with fear. The unknowns were daunting. My mind went a million different directions a minute thinking of all the horrible things that might happen. Through this I prayed to God, but I must admit that my heart was not fully into it and I just didn’t feel like it was enough. I guess this is because when I feel helpless or not in control, the first thing I do is try to control things. I come up with a plan and try to prepare in advance for every possible scenario. Silly me for thinking I am in control of anything!
Fast forward to now, almost a year later. I am currently recovering from the virus. I am grateful that I am recovered, but I am still dealing with some complications. One of the areas I am struggling with is increased anxiety, more than ever before.
In fact, one day a few weeks back I was driving home from a tiring day at work and I could feel my heart beating through my chest. I also started to have some difficulty getting air in my lungs. I pulled over and called my husband right away. Through the tears I told him something was wrong and that I could not breathe. I was scared. I was sure I needed to go to the ER. But by the time my husband got to me, I was breathing normal again. We both realized that what I had experienced was an anxiety attack. Wow, that was tough for me to accept. I had not experienced something like that before and I could not for the life of me figure out how my tiring day at work could have been bad enough to cause something like that. Of course, now I realize it was also a “build up” of the past year.
I went home and rested that same evening. Coincidentally there just so happened to be a “Holy Spirit Encounter” taking place at our church that same night. My daughter was planning to attend and encouraged me to go with her. She didn’t know what I had experienced earlier but I couldn’t help but think about how the timing was perfect.
The evening started out with such beautiful music and adoration. Next, we listened to some amazing testimonies that convinced me the speakers were reading my heart. I wondered if these beautiful souls who were sharing their stories realized just how much I needed to hear all of it. God was definitely working through all of them. I felt like God was telling me through them that the church will always be my home and it brought me so much comfort and peace.
I must confess that during adoration, I began to pray in my typical fashion which was asking God a million questions:
“God, why am I feeling so anxious?”
“Is this just temporary?”
“Is this going to last forever?”
“What do I need to do to get back to normal?”
“How do I fix this?”
“Should I do this or should I do that….”
My mind just wouldn’t stop. I was anxious again. But then something happened. The beautiful music that was playing began to quiet my heart enough to listen to Him. And He lovingly said, “REST MY CHILD, rest in ME.”
Wow. Such a powerful message that immediately lifted so much weight from my chest and had tears running down my face. Because at that moment I realized that He is the ONLY way I can truly heal from all that this pandemic has done to me. He has the power to heal me with his unconditional love, patience and grace. Staying close to Him is what I should have been doing all this time.
I lost my way for a bit, but I am finding my way back to Him again. He is welcoming me with huge open arms and I feel the warmth and the love. He was there with me the whole time, I just wasn’t looking His direction. He was so clearly trying to speak to me but I wouldn’t quiet my heart enough to listen. I am listening now, “REST MY CHILD, rest in ME.”
God bless you,